And “Hell” is nothing more than the Absence of God, which, if you’re looking for a good time, is not at all a bad thing. You wanna play the lute, sing Mary Chapin Carpenter—that’s what Heaven’s for. You wanna rock? Apparently, Hell’s the venue.

Thank you. Look, I didn’t make you people, God did, okay? But there was a design flaw in the creation: He gave you Free Will—and to balance that out, you were designed to Self-Correct. But, unlike the “Free-Will” muscle, the “Self-Correct” muscle is not a particular favorite of the Homo sapiens. Vd say “Self-Correct” falls somewhere between “Colonoscopy” and “Firing Squad” on most people’s holiday “wish” lists. At any rate, the truth is: I don’t have to actively compete for human souls—I don’t have to lull or flatter or tempt or deceive—because with God at the helm and you people running around wreaking havoc: I’ll be honest, I spend most of my time on a sofa watching one- hour dramas on HBO.

Cunningham, please don’t take this personally, but your father never really loved you or wanted you, right? And the only reason your mother didn’t abort you was because she was afraid of scarring—I think she told you that once, didn’t she—Just because your parents resented you doesn’t mean that God does.